Tonight it dawned on me as my youngest fell asleep in his brothers bed withoutme. As I sat there watching them all sleep ever so peacefully, I was met with sadness.
I don’t want this time to be over, I don’t want to move past this.
THESE LAST 5 YEARS WERE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. THE TRANSFORMATION INTO A MOTHER FOR ME IS ALMOST INDESCRIBABLE. IT’S SO POWERFUL.
I changed, I found out things I didn’t even know I was capable of doing. I lost myself as a Mother but found myself again, bigger, better & crazier?! Haha
But I still don’t want to let go of this time though, I’m still not ready to move forward into the next chapter.
IT’S GUILT THAT IS CONTROLLING THIS. IT’S TRYING TO CONTROL ME.
I try ever so hard to keep it at bay, but sometimes it’s just not possible.
I feel guilty for working too much, for cleaning too little some days. For snapping & losing my cool on hard days. For not playing with my babes enough, for not slowing down & just appreciating them, this time & savouring every moment.
This is what’s holding me back from moving forward. I need to let go of what I simply cannot change. Yes, all that guilt is true. Yes I did all of those things during my children’s early years but I also did some pretty fucking awesome stuff too.
I HUGGED THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY, ANY MOMENT I COULD. I LAUGHED, CRIED AND SMILED WITH THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. I SHOWERED THEM WITH ALL MY LOVE, EVER SINGLE BIT I COULD GIVE.
I showed them me, every bit of me, their Mother – perfectly imperfect.
That is all I can ever do or be. That’s all any Mother can ever do. Be you, be proud and be genuine. Learn & grow from your experiences.
But never, never let guilt or regret take hold.
I am not going to let it take hold, not now or ever.
I will come to peace with the closing of this chapter. I will accept all that it was. I will learn from my mistakes. I will embrace my journey, flaws and all.
I’ll do all that in the morning though, because right now I’m eating chocolate laying in an empty bed with no one attached to my boob or with a foot in the ribs….hmmmm maybe this new chapter isn’t looking so bad after all.